One Born Every Minute: Premature Babies and Flying Fathers

To coincide with the new series of Channel 4’s One Born Every Minute -4^th January 9pm, people have been asked to share their stories on the role of Dads at the birth, their presence even.  Here is our experience.

 

Patience is always something I’ve never had time for, yet I never imagined that I would go into premature labour and give birth to Boo at only 34 weeks pregnant.  The day I went into labour was to me just another ‘boring’ day pregnant, where I was becoming increasingly bigger and found it harder to nip about.  My partner Danny was away in Cyprus with the army on a six month tour, so the closest I got to manly support was motivational Skype conversations which often descended into either a nagging fest or a tear bath – both on my part.  Due to complications with me I was booked for a caesarean while Danny would be back in the UK on R&R; perfect planning for a complete control freak like me.

For the previous 10 weeks I had complained of extreme back ache and generally feeling that something wasn’t ‘quite right’.  I was assured everything was indeed fine and that I was just panicking which was to be expected with a first baby.

After an arduous afternoon of DIY, I settled down on the sofa to give this whole pregnancy napping lark a go.  A couple of hours later I waddled to the toilet and discovered blood everywhere. I’ll be honest my first thought was that I had lost the baby. Despite this I felt immensely calm and phoned the assessment centre at Lincoln County Hospital.  The midwife advised me to pack an overnight bag and go in.  As I was packing I phoned Danny in Cyprus to tell him what was going on. At this stage premature labour was the last thing on our minds so he just reassured me that everything was fine and that if I needed to talk I only had to call.

Once in the hospital, I became restless waiting to see a doctor and had convinced myself everything was ok as I had felt the baby kick.  An hour later I started to get period like pains and asked for a drink, a few minutes later the doctor arrived, examined me and informed me that I was 9cm dilated and that she could see the head!

All throughout my pregnancy I had been resolute that Danny would be present at the birth, and if for whatever reason he wasn’t I would never forgive him. Yet the following hours all I could think about was the next time I saw him, our beautiful baby girl would be in my arms.  It was at this point that I was introduced to a paediatrician to talk about complications with a premature baby, and in particular without the labouring of the aby though the birth canal.  After frantic discussions we agreed that under heavy supervision I would attempt to labour naturally to give Boo the best possible chance.

The day Danny went on tour he gave me a credit card sized contact card for JCCC – The Joint Casualty and Compassionate Centre, ‘just in case’. Whilst the anaesthetist was administering the epidural I was stating my case to a total stranger on the telephone why Danny should be returned to the UK on compassionate leave.  I’ll be honest it was hard work and I probably owe the gentleman I spoke to an apology as my temper was in short supply that night!

After a nail bitingly anxious twenty minute wait, I received the news that Danny would be flying back from Cyprus on the next available flight.  Elated that he was coming home I looked to my midwife – Anne for the reassuring nod that he would be there for the birth.  Instead she told me that there was no way that Boo was waiting for anything even her Daddy!

I was crushed. I asked for a few moments alone and privately sobbed – this isn’t how I imagined welcoming our daughter into the world. I soon pulled myself together and got on with the task in hand – getting this baby out!

Boo was born at 7.23 on Sunday 24^th July 2011.  At which point Danny was in the air, and I had my Mother who had managed to make it up from London in time.  We were so lucky that Boo was all in all a healthy beautiful baby; although after only a few minutes together she was taken up to Neonatal Intensive Care due to her prematurity.  It was this point that I found hardest without Danny being there – we had together made her and I felt like we should be there to care for her and with me just having given birth, it seemed only natural that he would have gone with her so she wasn’t alone.

Danny met Boo just after 2pm on the Sunday afternoon after being driven from RAF Brize Norton straight to the hospital by the Army.  Never have I been so happy to see him, or so proud to show him our achievement – the fruits of my labour!! Yes I gave birth to Boo and isn’t she perfect.

So the question remains. Does the father being absent from the birth have a profound effect on bonding with the bay and the relationship between parents afterwards?  For us, the circumstance were so that it wasn’t physically possible, I kept Danny in my mind throughout the whole labour and in some ways him not being there was positive as it allowed me to stay focused even when I was petrified.

My advice: you can have the best plans, but in the end childbirth is something that cannot be slotted into a busy schedule no matter how hard you try.  Even if the father can’t be present, remember why you’re having a child and the love you have for each other – anyway they can always make it up to you later!